Someday, I'm going to stop looking for your name in my Facebook online list, or waiting for you to turn the corner.
Because, really... I don't want you. Just the idea of being someone without commitment was fun. But now that I realize that that isn't possible with my personality... I just want this to be over.
I realize that I'm a lazy perfectionist. Not the kind of perfectionist that works hard and is committed to doing everything perfectly even when no one will see... but the kind that expects everything to be perfect with no effort on my part. If it doesn't do that... then it must not be worth doing.
At least, this is what I practice to be... and not who I say I am. But who's ever going to admit to that?
There are days where "I want to be Love, and have Love, and give Love, and not just that romantic kind either"; and I have to convince myself that today is one of those days.
Growing up in Vallejo, a predominately Filipino community, none of us were concerned with learning our history, because every morning, we fought with our parents for our rights to listen to the music we wanted, dress how we wanted, date who we wanted.... anything remotely related to being Filipino was immediately associated to the shame our parents heaped on us.
And even if I try to express to them now this need, they have difficultly sharing that with me because THEY TOO have become used to their community and are more assimilated than they allow themselves to admit.
The history books are already incomplete on things non-Eurocentric; and the books about any specific ethnicity take hours to find. So I'm stuck here, reading huge chunks of Afro-American history, pieces of Japanese-American history, Korean-American history... anything I can get my hands on because any thing remotely related is better than nothing at all.
I'm just looking for someone who looks like me.
But, I know that's not the only thing... because, the Japanese-American experience is drastically different from Fil-Am experience or from Cambodian-American experience. The Colonization of the Philippines has created this really distinct experience for Pin@ys here in the States. We are simultaneously considered 'other', accepted for certain things, and ignored.
